2019 Major Realization & Resolution

Today I got into a pretty deep fight with my father — a little argument turned into me bringing up unpleasant memories and deep felt hurt from the past…. I have never before spoken with such strength about the issues I have with him, but today, in this cold Delhi winter, I let it all out — many of the past issues that have continued to bother me came out like it never has before. I didn’t do this to hurt him, and I do feel bad that I said so much. My father is an honest soul with a pure heart, but somehow, I just reacted to an extreme, with everything I have been hurt by, mainly through his words with me over the years.

Out of this episode came a deeper revelation.

I realized something about something myself. For over 20 years, I have not been able to find someone to marry or have a family with, despite having pushed myself for that ”dream”, since that time.

In fact, many relationships that were leading to a deep marriage, failed. Many because I reacted in ways I shouldn’t have with my consistent temper, usually something trivial that stemmed from a deeper root cause. One which I think I am starting to understand…

One fact I know for sure is that I am an honest soul. I have always been an honest person. So why did there relationships not work? I have questioned myself on these personal relationship issues for years. I have tried to change myself. All in all, I have had much contemplation and self reflection on why my personal life never materialized the way I dreamed it to. Eventually, after all of these negative experiences, I always comforted myself with the notion that I haven’t found the right person and just kept seeking for someone new. To this day, whenever I meet someone in my life, my first thought is around solidifying my plans for marriage and family.

But today, on January 4, 2019, I am realizing that deeper root cause I describe above. I am realizing that perhaps all of my relationship failures might not have been in my hands at all. I am realizing that there is an external force force above me that I have no control over. Call it god, call it faith, call it destiny, call it whatever.

For me, that force has kept me from diving into marriage and family life. There is a reason for that. I think it is a deeper fear that stems from the relationship I’ve had growing up as a kid with my dad, but I cannot psychoanalyze myself. What I do want to do is accept it, once and for all and eliminate the fight for needing to have a traditional marriage and family life any more.

So on this 4th of January, I will make this large resolution:

“I rather be committed in a deep relationship with someone, but not seek out marriage or kids, and accept forces beyond me that are preventing that from happening. I’m completely open to adoption, in fact I think I would love kids in my life, but no longer do I want to have any expectation of more than that.”

In the end, I have realized there is no point going against the tide any more and should be glad that there is some phenomenon out there, that protects me from diving down the wrong path for myself.

Onwards.